Day 6: I've Helped Create Heroin Addicts

Weed, pot, bud, flower, ganja, chronic, nug, marijuana - whatever you want to name it.  This was all that I could ever think about at one point in my life.  Getting high.  I would wake up and immediately start to contemplate how I was going to get high today.  Would I spend more money, buy more weed?  Scrape my pipe, smoke the resin?

Early on in my life I created a connection in my mind between what my parents did -- wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch television, go to bed, repeat, and wait for the weekends and vacation times -- with that being the epitome of unhappiness / slavery.  I thought that there was no way out of this.  I would go to school, get my job, have my kids.

Then I discovered smoking marijuana.  At the time I was still living my life according to the pursuit of happiness principle because that was all I'd known / been taught, as I was never presented any evidence / truths as to why this train of thought is complete bullshit and abusive to the world, and so when I took that first hit I 'knew' that this was something to be cherished.  This was something that I thought I could use to break the cycle of me in the 'corporate zombie takeover' because it felt so good with the way it made me laugh, smile, and feel all tingly inside.  It made me happy.  I was at this stage not aware that this was only an act of rebellion -- an act of trying to get away from the inevitable truth as to what this world is and what I thought it had to offer, and not an act of true self-expression.

I from this point went on to seek validation from my friends and people in school.  I created this character of, "You're either smoking weed with me, or you're not cool.  You're part of the 'problem' if you're working on getting your 9-5 job."  I thought that if I had a follower of friends and people that thought like this, I would be justified in my actions of getting high.

Never did it occur to me, until too late, of course, that none of this was about smoking weed itself.  It was about doing whatever it took 'rebel' against the system.  So, of course, once discovered that we didn't have to live like our parents, weed wasn't the only thing my friends and I did.  We would take pills, drink alcohol, do crimes, etc.  Anything to create an energetic experience in the mind of 'happiness'.  And so of course within this addiction to energy and the experience of happiness, not everyone can handle it the same way.  Not everyone can handle addiction the same way.  Some people can smoke weed, live normal lives, not get into trouble, and some people can't.  Some people go onto using heroin, meth, crack -- drugs that completely change a person into something that is not always pleasant.  The same example can be used with porn.  Some people can watch porn everyday of their lives and be 'fine', while some people let their addictions and their fantasies about 'what sex should be' turn them into rapists.

So, I realize now at the time, after seeing so many friends, family, and people I know become heroin addicts, that I played a part in all of this through what I accepted and allowed myself to do in the terms of my own addictions.  Throughout my time as a pot-head, I always stood as the example of 'drugs are cool, drugs are good, let's get high and laugh and smile', and never stood as the example of what a person can do with a life a sobriety.

So here I will walk the process of forgiving myself for ever having accepted and allowed myself to be a person that says, "Drugs are alright," and within doing so give myself back the responsibility to stand as the example of what we can do when we stop our limitations, stop our rebellion, stop our justifications - so we can get down to what is real about Life and what is not.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do drugs out of fear of the future, out of fear that at some point in my life I may be unhappy with where I am at in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this point of doing drugs out of fearing the future to justify me in not taking action to shape my own destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate freedom from corporate-slavery (9-5 jobs) to the amount of drugs that I could do / to the amount of feel-good feelings I could feel, and never saw/realized/understood that this freedom was an act of rebellion because I didn't want to do the actual work required to make this world a place that is more than that of working our entire lives to survive -- I wanted to beat around the bush and live my life in a way that avoided this point of having to do the actual work required to change the world -- completely invalidating this freedom I was seeking because I became dependent on drugs / feel good feelings to avoid this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have continued to use drugs even after seeing the people I love get addicted to more dangerous and deadly drugs, all because I didn't want to face my addiction in the faint hope that all of this will work itself out without me putting any effort into changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at one point to not truly care about the people faced with addiction, as if I did I would have changed myself sooner and stood as the example of you can change, too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as a good example to my friends, and be a person that found it within themselves to stand-up and say, "No, this is not alright."


I will continue walking more through the points of drugs, being the example, and will walk/establish the appropriate self-commitments to set the guidelines for myself in becoming a person that can be trusted with life.

Thank you.

Day 5: tl;dr (Too Long; Didn't Read)

tl;dr

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand the amount of power I give tl;dr every time I am faced with a lengthy piece of writing, wherein I will start doing the reading but allow myself to enter into huge states of anxiety - am I ever going to finish?, am I getting the point?, should I continue? -- and thus not be completely here with myself and my application of reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use this point of anxiety as tl;dr as an indicator of where I am at in my Process, as to where I struggle in disconnecting my thoughts of anxiety and where I need to consciously work on being here as Breath so that I can actually investigate the information presented to me without all the other back-chats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discard the purpose of reading -- it's not to get from start to finish and feel accomplished that I got through it, but it is to actually learn something, rather it be about me and my participation with myself in how I participate in reading, or about somebody else and how they experience themselves. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that others may be facing the same point as this, and so within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not take on the challenge of writing short, concise, easy to understand, and to the point to help aid others in being able to be here.

I commit myself to stop the fear of tl;dr by taking each step within the reading process in a breath to breath manner, so in this way I can stay consistent, not going to slow as to where I am not reading and letting myself get distracted, and not going to fast as to where I miss the points being presented to get to the end quickly, but in a way that builds stability/understanding: step by step, breath by breath.

In the next post I will be walking through an opposite side of this -- the point of having so much to write about on a particular subject that anxiety, self-doubt, fear, not knowing where to start, and all sorts of other emotion comes in that sways oneself to settle for less and be half-ass with what one wants to convey.

Thanks everyone.

Day 4: I Can Do Both part 2

Continuing on correcting the point of having to choose either helping people locally or globally through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be locked into the mindset of having a choice when it comes to who I help and what I do to help -- as this always has reflected me choosing whatever's in my self-interest, whatever comes easiest -- and never has been a reflection of my alignment to what is best for all, as if it was, there would no 'choice', only obligation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the usual pattern that tends to come up when I allow myself 'choice': I go into a fear construct in my mind where all the usual 'what-ifs' come up -- what if I choose 'wrong' / what if other people judge me / etc. and within this I allow myself to do nothing, to not choose anything, to not push past my thoughts of doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act based on memories of the past, based on my reactions towards other people's reactions: wherein I professed the Desteni message and was met with, "That's cool, but I'm going to instead become a therapist, for example, because that is something I know for sure will make an impact on the lives of people," and so I created a connection on my mind, not anything that was based on certainty or having tested this out in real life, that I have I can't be a person that does both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that do things to help people in ways differently than promoting Life in Equality and deeming them as 'time-wasters', when in-fact people need help building a sustainable infrastructure for themselves RIGHT NOW -- children in impoverished parts of the world for example need solutions like Living Income Guaranteed, but this is something that is obviously only going to be available in the future; while in the present those children need people that are doctors, people that can help build wells for fresh water, people that can help these children get an education, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to do both, because I can.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand what I do to myself in the moment when I allow myself to only choose between two opposite sides of the spectrum, and to use this seeing/realizing/understanding to make decisions that will include the whole and be full-circle in its helpfulness.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to make decisions based on what other people in the past have decided as helpful in the world, to push past in resistances in the form of 'what-if', and to form a real understanding of what needs to be done in this world, such as helping people in the now and laying the road to be helpful in the future.

I commit myself to stop making excuses in finding opportunities in my community to be helpful, be it helping people become literate, helping people feed themselves and their family -- anything that is required to be done to help these people in the now -- while also coming together to find diplomatic solutions to the world that will help people that are out of my physical reach because both of these are important.  People are important.

Thanks.