Weed, pot, bud, flower, ganja, chronic, nug, marijuana - whatever you want to name it. This was all that I could ever think about at one point in my life. Getting high. I would wake up and immediately start to contemplate how I was going to get high today. Would I spend more money, buy more weed? Scrape my pipe, smoke the resin?
Early on in my life I created a connection in my mind between what my parents did -- wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch television, go to bed, repeat, and wait for the weekends and vacation times -- with that being the epitome of unhappiness / slavery. I thought that there was no way out of this. I would go to school, get my job, have my kids.
Then I discovered smoking marijuana. At the time I was still living my life according to the pursuit of happiness principle because that was all I'd known / been taught, as I was never presented any evidence / truths as to why this train of thought is complete bullshit and abusive to the world, and so when I took that first hit I 'knew' that this was something to be cherished. This was something that I thought I could use to break the cycle of me in the 'corporate zombie takeover' because it felt so good with the way it made me laugh, smile, and feel all tingly inside. It made me happy. I was at this stage not aware that this was only an act of rebellion -- an act of trying to get away from the inevitable truth as to what this world is and what I thought it had to offer, and not an act of true self-expression.
I from this point went on to seek validation from my friends and people in school. I created this character of, "You're either smoking weed with me, or you're not cool. You're part of the 'problem' if you're working on getting your 9-5 job." I thought that if I had a follower of friends and people that thought like this, I would be justified in my actions of getting high.
Never did it occur to me, until too late, of course, that none of this was about smoking weed itself. It was about doing whatever it took 'rebel' against the system. So, of course, once discovered that we didn't have to live like our parents, weed wasn't the only thing my friends and I did. We would take pills, drink alcohol, do crimes, etc. Anything to create an energetic experience in the mind of 'happiness'. And so of course within this addiction to energy and the experience of happiness, not everyone can handle it the same way. Not everyone can handle addiction the same way. Some people can smoke weed, live normal lives, not get into trouble, and some people can't. Some people go onto using heroin, meth, crack -- drugs that completely change a person into something that is not always pleasant. The same example can be used with porn. Some people can watch porn everyday of their lives and be 'fine', while some people let their addictions and their fantasies about 'what sex should be' turn them into rapists.
So, I realize now at the time, after seeing so many friends, family, and people I know become heroin addicts, that I played a part in all of this through what I accepted and allowed myself to do in the terms of my own addictions. Throughout my time as a pot-head, I always stood as the example of 'drugs are cool, drugs are good, let's get high and laugh and smile', and never stood as the example of what a person can do with a life a sobriety.
So here I will walk the process of forgiving myself for ever having accepted and allowed myself to be a person that says, "Drugs are alright," and within doing so give myself back the responsibility to stand as the example of what we can do when we stop our limitations, stop our rebellion, stop our justifications - so we can get down to what is real about Life and what is not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do drugs out of fear of the future, out of fear that at some point in my life I may be unhappy with where I am at in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this point of doing drugs out of fearing the future to justify me in not taking action to shape my own destiny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate freedom from corporate-slavery (9-5 jobs) to the amount of drugs that I could do / to the amount of feel-good feelings I could feel, and never saw/realized/understood that this freedom was an act of rebellion because I didn't want to do the actual work required to make this world a place that is more than that of working our entire lives to survive -- I wanted to beat around the bush and live my life in a way that avoided this point of having to do the actual work required to change the world -- completely invalidating this freedom I was seeking because I became dependent on drugs / feel good feelings to avoid this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have continued to use drugs even after seeing the people I love get addicted to more dangerous and deadly drugs, all because I didn't want to face my addiction in the faint hope that all of this will work itself out without me putting any effort into changing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at one point to not truly care about the people faced with addiction, as if I did I would have changed myself sooner and stood as the example of you can change, too.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as a good example to my friends, and be a person that found it within themselves to stand-up and say, "No, this is not alright."
I will continue walking more through the points of drugs, being the example, and will walk/establish the appropriate self-commitments to set the guidelines for myself in becoming a person that can be trusted with life.
Thank you.
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